Ugly Selfie

I was down visiting family over Labor Day weekend with my dude and my cute baby, and of course, my mom wanted to get some family photos taken to hang in her hallway.  And I said yes, because I have a very adorable baby, and it seemed like a good idea to have all of us in photo together, since the gang was all there.

The problem was that a bunch of the photos were taken with the camera at the level of the baby, and since was held in our laps most of the time, that meant mucho unflattering upwards angles.

Exhibit A: all face, all the time. -

Exhibit A: all face, all the time. -

Viewing the photos sent me into a tailspin.  I have a really round face y'all, and upwards angles do it no favors.  And while generally speaking I am very much fuck flattering and all that, I would like to look decent in photos displayed on my parents' walls, you know?

And perhaps I need to recontextualize how my round face looks and be chill with it, but right now, I am doing a lot of emotional work and self-discovery already, being in the first year of parenthood, so I just wasn't up to doing that work in that moment. 

I posted how I was feeling on Facebook, and the first couple of comments were very much "yes, angles matter," with people with typically angular, socially-acceptable faces showing how upwards angles gave them extra chins.  But then, THEN!  Well, then my bestie Megan did something brilliant.  She posted a totally upwards shot of herself with the caption "ugly selfie, no shame!" and just left it there.

No photo of her face straight on.  No flattering angles.  Nope.  She just posted a not-cute picture of herself up on my wall, with no shame, and got on with her day.

It kind of blew my mind.  Being unattractive on purpose?  As a performance, almost?  Showing that we all have angles and times of days where we don't look our best and that's just life.  WHAT?  It was awesome.

And then a bunch of other people joined in.  And that was incredible.  It was so silly and real and irreverent.  I loved it.  I continue to revisit that thread for all my gorgeous friends' silly faces, and it's just awesome. 

It gave me the courage to post the unflattering photo, which I am also doing here.  Because normalizing that we all have those moments, those angles -- that's a big deal.  It's liberating.  It's inclusive.  It's humanizing.  It's radical.

So, if you wanna join me in the ugly selfie challenge, post an unflattering, real photo of your mug on Facebook or Instagram and tag it #uglyselfiechallenge.  Trust me, it's awesome.  Freed from the burden of having to look good, you can explore what your face looks like at any angle.  You'll notice things you didn't before maybe (cleft chin?  extra freckle?)  And you get to just be you.

Let's do this.

Exhibit B: no shame. -

Exhibit B: no shame. -

Dressing Myself Post-Partum: An Update

Wow, it's been awhile.  Taking care of a tiny human really does take up the lion's share of one's time and energy.  Back in May, I posted about struggling to dress my post-partum body.  It was the biggest self-esteem issue I'd struggled with since giving birth.  I'm happy to report that I took on that challenge like it was my own damn summer Olympics, and I'm pretty stoked about my new look.

I'm sharing some pictures and ideas here, so that if you or some rad lady you know is working through this too, it might help:

  • For awhile (maybe indefinitely, but at least awhile) after giving birth, you're probably going to be an apple shape.  Embrace it!  Now is the time for tops and dresses with killer drape, but more form-fitting pants and leggings, and banishing ruthless waistbands. - Dressing my Post-Partum Body - Dressing my Post-Partum Body

  • Go up a size (or two, or four!) and don't stress.  I'm a size up in pants and I give zero fucks.  My tummy is slowly getting smaller actually, as I nurse and return to exercise, but I'm giving it plenty of time, and honestly, it's fine.  I have embraced it.
  • Wear things with a lot of stretch that can accommodate your fluctuating shape.  You will change a lot.  I love jersey dresses for their versatility.  If you get some in solids, you can wear them with different layers and accessories to make different combinations.  This photo below was taken when I was ~3 months post-partum, and have more of a tummy than I do now.  I like that it worked for me then, but also works for me now. - Dressing my Post-Partum Body - Dressing my Post-Partum Body

  • Make sure everything works for nursing.  When I go to work, I don't have to worry so much about this (private pumping room, a godsend!  I can just take my top off, put on my hands-free pumping bra - an amazing invention - and not stress about it).  However, out and and about, I love Milk Nursingwear's tops and dresses.  They make it so easy to nurse discretely.  I hate nursing covers in principle and execution, but I'm not an exhibitionist either.
  • Capsule Wardrobe.  I can't say this enough.  I have 3 pairs of stretchy jeans, 2 cardigans, a bunch of tops, and a couple dresses that are on HEAVY rotation.  It makes a difference.  I can mix and match because everything goes with everything else, I have less laundry to do, and it's all machine washable in case baby spits up. - Dressing my Post-Partum Body - Dressing my Post-Partum Body

  • Most of all, acknowledge that you've been through a major journey lady.  You made a whole human being, and carried it for 9 whole months.  And now you have to care for that cute little nugget!  Be proud you're getting yourself dressed at all!

My Post-Partum Body

I'm about to share something kind of uncomfortable: my post-partum body.  What the hell, right?  I've posted myself in a bathing suit before.  But this is really super vulnerable - what my body looks like post-baby.  But that's exactly why I'm doing it: to contribute to a library of images that shows what women's bodies really look like after having a baby.

The pressure is so intense to "get your body back", "snap back into shape", to look amazing and like you never had a baby in the first place.  Magazine covers make a mint on these kind of stories.  How rude.  How completely obnoxious, to pretend that women's biggest success after creating a whole new life is to make their bodies look like it never happened, and in record time.

It makes me stabby.

We should be helping new mothers adjust to life with a newborn, offering them support with healthcare, paid parental leave, and social services, not badgering them to get their healing bodies back into shape. 

So as an answer to that stupid narrative, here is my post-partum body, loose skin, stretchmarks, extra fat, and all.

My real post-partum body. 

My real post-partum body. 

From the side - my real post-partum body.

From the side - my real post-partum body.

Here are some great resources to see more post-partum bodies:

My Real Post-Partum Body
A Beautiful Body Project

Dressing Myself Post-Partum

In the weeks after birth, I mostly felt fucking great about my body.  I made and pushed out a whole human, all by myself!  And my body was a champ about labor, birth, and breastfeeding.  I got lucky on all of those things.  But now?  Well.  Now is kind of surprising to me.

I lost a bunch of post-pregnancy fluid and the shape of my pregnant body relatively quickly.  My doula told me on her follow-up visit that I actually needed to eat more because I went back to a smaller body so quickly, and she was concerned about my milk supply with breastfeeding.  And it's true: breastfeeding makes you ravenous.  I had never felt hunger in such an immediate way until I started breastfeeding.

So it was all going okay during maternity leave as I adjusted to a non-pregnant, post-partum, healing, breastfeeding body.  I did the 40 days of confinement (well, for the most part, until I got stir-crazy and went out for 2-hour jaunts just to clear my head).  I started taking longer walks with the baby.  I went back to yoga.  Everything was fine until I went back to work.

Going back to work meant I was around adult people most of the week.  It also meant I needed to look professional.  And that made my leggings + tunic top + messy bun look a thing of the past.  I needed to wear adult person clothes, and that's where my post-partum body feels come in.

So: I obviously gained weight during pregnancy.  I'll be honest and tell you that my total weight gain was 36 lbs.  I lost around 23 lbs in the first weeks after pregnancy.  I have no idea what my weight is now, because I don't own a scale anymore (best decision ever, btw).  Weight isn't really important to me; what's putting my head through the ringer these days is the shape of my body.

I have always been an hourglass shape, at least from the front.  My boobs are kinda smallish, and my booty is bangin' so from the side, I'm a little more pear-ish I guess.  But anyway, after 34 years of dressing my body, I had it down:

  • Fit & flare styles to emphasize my smaller waist
  • Belts, for the same reason
  • Shorter hemlines, because I clock in at 5'1", so I get swallowed in long stuff
  • Necklines that emphasize my shoulders.  I have great shoulders.  Halter tops?  Yes plz.

Well, none of that looks quite right anymore.  I have a post-partum belly - loose skin, fading stretch marks, and extra fat for breastfeeding.  Dresses and fitted shirts don't hit that small waist point quite right.

My thighs have some stretchies too, and along with my upper arms, have gained some pregnancy weight.  Not a whole lot - I've always had big arms and thighs - but I've lost the tone I gained through CrossFit.  That means I'm not confident showing those areas.

Shorter hemlines are okay, but I'm a little more modest, because of the aforementioned thighs + I just had a baby so I'm just more wary about that area, I guess?  And there's the whole chub rub issue with skirts and dresses.

So all that to say that my old clothes are still in storage, and I'm going to have to be choosy about which ones I bring out, i.e. the more blousy tops and looser fitting dresses are cool, but the super fitted stuff will have to wait.

It's disorienting, having a new shape.  I knew the weight gain and stretch marks and extra fat for breastfeeding were going to happen, but I didn't quite understand that the shape of my body would be different.  I'd prepared for bigger, but not multidimensional. 

It's just one of the ways my life has radically changed since having a baby.  There's nothing like becoming a parent for the first time.  I can't say that enough.  It is a stark shift.  It takes some getting used to.

But hopefully, little by little, I'm getting there.

Melissa McCarthy on People Magazine

Melissa McCarthy on People Magazine

And in the meantime, I've decided my totem for this process is Melissa McCarthy.  She's a working mom, proud fat lady, and maker of my for real new favorite clothing line, Seven7

I may have to think of my body differently, but I can take this on as a creative challenge: how to dress this new body.  And that feels better.