I find myself today at probably my heaviest weight ever. I don't know for sure, because I stopped weighing myself awhile ago. It was making me crazy and upset, and it was kind of a worthless measurement for me at this time. (It's probably a worthless measure all the time, actually.) At any rate, I haven't been making a concerted effort to lose weight lately, and I'm okay with that.
I gained weight for good reasons -- a wanted pregnancy. When I miscarried, weight loss wasn't something I chose to focus on for a couple of reasons.
- Hormones. They were still pretty messed up for a long time. Cycles, feelings, cravings -- all off.
- I have a lot of injuries right now, beyond the miscarriage. My shoulder, a right heel thing, recurring side calf shin splints (kind of a mystery: I get them on the outer sides of my shins, instead of on the front. If you know what this is, holla atcha girl.) In March, I went on a heavy exercise binge, and now I'm paying for it.
- I want to get pregnancy again, soon. And extreme diets like Whole30 or anything with strict calorie restriction can put a dent in my conception efforts, because losing 10% or more of your body weight freaks your body out.
- I tried, and it didn't work anyway. In April, I tried a Flexible Dieting/IIFYM deal, and the calorie/macros tracking was driving me back into disordered behavior.
- I think trying to get back your pre-pregnancy weight right after delivery is one way that the kyriarchy objectifies us all over again. Rather than focusing on your baby and healing from the arduous journey of pregnancy and childbirth, the pressure is on to "get back" your attractive, fuckable body, as if nothing has happened to you.
In some ways, choosing not to focus on weight loss was one of the most revolutionary things I could do. Focusing on healing myself instead of some arbitrary aesthetic goal imposed on me and all other post-partum women by society is a radical act.
And the good news is that I am healing. I hit a PR on my 3 rep max back squat the other day. I threw up (the lightest, but still!) wall balls in a metcon. I can actually sleep comfortably for the most part, without waking up with shoulder pain. I've been going to body positive yoga regularly. And for the most part, I eat healthful, varied, and interesting grub.
I also know that by developing healthy habits and maintaining them, I am doing the best thing for my health. Short-term, extreme, restrictive diets might give me short-term results, but I don't think the sigh of relief, or feeling of accomplishment at those results would be nearly as satisfying as the hard-won contentment I've found.
My body is amazing. It has been on a hard, long, learning journey this year. And it has carried me through all of it willingly. It shows up for me day after day. My injuries are a warning. They say to me, "Hey, don't overdo it. We've been through a lot. Spend this time nurturing yourself, bringing us back to full health and vitality. You can lose weight any time, but now is not the right time. Heal, rest, rejuvenate. Then hit it hard, like you always do. You are not less, you are not unworthy because you're not losing weight, or a smaller size. You are doing your best, and that is enough." If I ignore those signals, I don't deserve my body's adaptiveness, its flexibility, its strength. I need to show up for my body like it has shown up for me.
It's a great body. And I live it in it now, fully and completely. I love it, and that is worth more than anything weight loss could ever give me.