In the weeks after birth, I mostly felt fucking great about my body. I made and pushed out a whole human, all by myself! And my body was a champ about labor, birth, and breastfeeding. I got lucky on all of those things. But now? Well. Now is kind of surprising to me.
I lost a bunch of post-pregnancy fluid and the shape of my pregnant body relatively quickly. My doula told me on her follow-up visit that I actually needed to eat more because I went back to a smaller body so quickly, and she was concerned about my milk supply with breastfeeding. And it's true: breastfeeding makes you ravenous. I had never felt hunger in such an immediate way until I started breastfeeding.
So it was all going okay during maternity leave as I adjusted to a non-pregnant, post-partum, healing, breastfeeding body. I did the 40 days of confinement (well, for the most part, until I got stir-crazy and went out for 2-hour jaunts just to clear my head). I started taking longer walks with the baby. I went back to yoga. Everything was fine until I went back to work.
Going back to work meant I was around adult people most of the week. It also meant I needed to look professional. And that made my leggings + tunic top + messy bun look a thing of the past. I needed to wear adult person clothes, and that's where my post-partum body feels come in.
So: I obviously gained weight during pregnancy. I'll be honest and tell you that my total weight gain was 36 lbs. I lost around 23 lbs in the first weeks after pregnancy. I have no idea what my weight is now, because I don't own a scale anymore (best decision ever, btw). Weight isn't really important to me; what's putting my head through the ringer these days is the shape of my body.
I have always been an hourglass shape, at least from the front. My boobs are kinda smallish, and my booty is bangin' so from the side, I'm a little more pear-ish I guess. But anyway, after 34 years of dressing my body, I had it down:
- Fit & flare styles to emphasize my smaller waist
- Belts, for the same reason
- Shorter hemlines, because I clock in at 5'1", so I get swallowed in long stuff
- Necklines that emphasize my shoulders. I have great shoulders. Halter tops? Yes plz.
Well, none of that looks quite right anymore. I have a post-partum belly - loose skin, fading stretch marks, and extra fat for breastfeeding. Dresses and fitted shirts don't hit that small waist point quite right.
My thighs have some stretchies too, and along with my upper arms, have gained some pregnancy weight. Not a whole lot - I've always had big arms and thighs - but I've lost the tone I gained through CrossFit. That means I'm not confident showing those areas.
Shorter hemlines are okay, but I'm a little more modest, because of the aforementioned thighs + I just had a baby so I'm just more wary about that area, I guess? And there's the whole chub rub issue with skirts and dresses.
So all that to say that my old clothes are still in storage, and I'm going to have to be choosy about which ones I bring out, i.e. the more blousy tops and looser fitting dresses are cool, but the super fitted stuff will have to wait.
It's disorienting, having a new shape. I knew the weight gain and stretch marks and extra fat for breastfeeding were going to happen, but I didn't quite understand that the shape of my body would be different. I'd prepared for bigger, but not multidimensional.
It's just one of the ways my life has radically changed since having a baby. There's nothing like becoming a parent for the first time. I can't say that enough. It is a stark shift. It takes some getting used to.
But hopefully, little by little, I'm getting there.
And in the meantime, I've decided my totem for this process is Melissa McCarthy. She's a working mom, proud fat lady, and maker of my for real new favorite clothing line, Seven7.
I may have to think of my body differently, but I can take this on as a creative challenge: how to dress this new body. And that feels better.